I read an article recently that threw me for a loop, although I hope its conclusions are wrong.

Apparently, recent studies suggest that upwards of 25% of young (and not-so-young adults) in our nation are estranged from their parents. This widespread “cut off” of parent-child relations speaks to the calamitous effects of decades of destructive social and cultural trends that are now fueling an epidemic of loneliness and despair.

The first and foremost culprit for this problem is obviously the startling increase in divorces in America over the past half century. The sheer ugliness and awkwardness of mom and dad engaging in blame shifting regarding their split while jockeying for the affections of their confused and angry children is not conducive to strong and healthful parent-child bonding. A lot of anger and frustration often is the undercurrent of every “family” activity during children’s critical formative years both before and after a divorce, which washes right into their adulthoods—and turns their parental relationships toxic.

Moreover, the emphasis on being “true to oneself” and demanding one’s parents respect every decision and non-decision in a young person’s life overlooks the plain fact that mom and dad are required to love you—not to provide unconditional validation. Unfortunately, our culture today many times preaches that the only opinion that counts is one’s own, which neatly neglects the notion that parents are people with a wealth of life experience and values of their own. 

The peculiar idea that parental love—or any love, for that matter—must be unconditional is a sign of scary self-centeredness that is going to lead one to be dissatisfied with every relationship because demanding children (who will later turn into demanding adults) are the literal bucket with a big hole in the bottom. In the final analysis, no matter what unreasonable sacrifices their parents make to make a child feel loved, it will never be enough, and that child will never understand the pain their noxious neediness causes for mom and dad—and, more than likely, their own future spouses.

It does not help, of course, that we live in the golden age of blaming others for our own personal shortcomings, a mindset that requires one to spend a lifetime identifying everybody who has failed to provide the proper support. Unfortunately, this problematic mindset also requires one to reject any and all helpful advice from worried parents because it implies judgment, which is unacceptable. 

This insane insistence on unconditional validation collides headlong with the reality of parental mentoring and concern, which sends many young people spinning into a rage spiral that poisons what only a few generations ago was considered the proper parental role of guiding an inexperienced young person through the sometimes stormy vicissitudes of understanding and accepting adult responsibilities. The degree to which parents are now expected to keep their mouths shut when they see their children making ruinous life decisions speaks to a breakdown in transferring generational knowledge that harms both individuals and our society as a whole. 

The problem with convincing young people they are victims is that they need a never ending supply of victimizers. Failing this, it might become necessary to take a look in the mirror and accept some measure of responsibility for the avoidable calamities of one’s life, which would be a soul-shattering experience for many who prefer blaming others for their own bad habits and decisions. Although it might make some sense to blame your parents just a little if your life is a mess when you’re sixteen years-old and living through your messy adolescent years, it does not work quite so well when one is 26 (or 36 or 46). The caveat here is, of course, that if one’s parents are abusive or uncaring, these are scars that will linger for many years; however, differences in values, ideas, or opinions do not count as abuse by any stretch of the imagination, although a great many quiveringly sensitive young people will hotly disagree.

Moreover, here’s a hot piece of advice for every angry child who is busy turning into an angry adult: everybody has a rough childhood and feels misunderstood. This is part of the normal maturation process and teaches one important lessons in coping with emotions, adversity, and the disappointments that dog every life on this planet. No one in history has ever had every possible need met, been hugged enough at just the right time, or gone through childhood and adolescence without a heaping dose of unfortunate parental strife. To presume otherwise is to set oneself up for a lifetime of nonsensical rage, endless grudges, and pointless estrangement from family that will provide no comfort except the foolish pride common to immature children—and equally immature adults.

Here are some final bits of wise advice: Enjoy the holidays with your family this year. Listen respectfully to your elders and fight the urge to shout you are right during every discussion. Deal with disagreements gently because you will someday regret harsh and thoughtless words. Have a drink (maybe two) and recognize others have feelings that can be hurt just as easily as your own.

And keep in mind that, sooner than you might think, your older family members will be gone forever and (also sooner than you might think) you will be the old coot dealing with the derision of the younger generation.